teh fortune cookie

Just when I had a handle on flying solo,

a boy came along and emotions followed.

And the sneaky thing about it all is –

I wasn’t looking for a thing…a fling, nor a kiss of his.

But I find an excitement arousing,

A girl screaming and floundering –

Forgetting that things can be good,

The way they should…

in Fairytales.

–

I don’t want to get my hopes up,

only to be let down again.

But who the hell am I kidding?

I should be used to it by now.

–

I’ve got my reservations –

that only make me want to run the opposite direction.

But I’ve got a little birdie on my shoulder,

to remind me that I’m going to be pro-active this year.

And pro-active is not chasing (definitions?).

–

And I don’t want to make a big deal out of nothing –

I don’t want to affix sentimental value to something that should have none (that deserves none?).

But that’s the challenging part.

To separate an independent, feel-good emotion from a cling-to-another emotion that arises just – to feel good.

There is a difference.

Sighs.

I don’t know what I’m saying.

I just want all the good things without the emotional baggage. The emotional baggage tends to grow and become more of a nuisance than a feel-good emotion. And perhaps that’s why people go into routines of “make-up sex” or whatever they call it these days. They do it just to “feel good” because they don’t have a feel-good emotion already.

So — what I’ve figured out, in a roundabout way is that I need to have the feel-good before I do anything drastic. I think it goes hand-in-hand with figuring shit out solo before getting into a relationship — so that say, my significant other is a complement and extension, not a body I just seek to  “become one” with.

That comes later.

Less infatuation and blind devotion and more…balance.

Less one-sided or settling for compromise situations and more of Win-Win.

^_^

Anyway, whatever happens, this one really makes me consider: if there’s something  good right in front of me, do I take it and allow unknown variables disrupt my intricate web of order? Or will I have turned so stubborn that I’ll shoo everything away?

The challenging part is crunching the numbers to weigh whether the odds are favorable or whether they’re stacked against. And is it even mathematically or linguistically possible to figure it out?

Is this thing that I wouldn’t mind having, truly a good thing to be had or is it really poison ivy waiting to be fed so that it can grow, cling and spread — that which can only be maintained by a skilled weed whacker?