High high to a low low
*Emo scattered thoughts — most likely lasting until the end of the week.*
How easy it is to go from a high high to a really low low.
I’m moving at the speed of light and managing to grasp little things along the way.
I’ve had such great experiences, living each day like it’s the last –
but it’s not enough.
I thought I had a master plan, but it turns out — it was only a placeholder.
Because now I’m getting more lost in my five billion ideas than actually accomplishing any one thing.
I wish I knew one thing I 100% wanted to accomplish.
One thing that I wouldn’t have reservations about, no matter the opinions of anyone else.
–
I look at my life and all the social interactions I’ve had in the last year.
Everyday my network grows.
I’ve been making up for all the lost time of being an introverted, anti-social pessimist.
By nature, I’m a pro-active, extroverted, social optimist — which only seems to disappear when I’m burnt out.
Such as now.
Now I need my downtime.
Meditation, reflection, and being able to understand where I’m going, how I’m going to get there, and why I’m doing what I’m doing right now.
I feel like I’m moving forward, but just not sure which route is the shortest way to get where I need to be — so I’m just zigzagging and buying time until I figure it out.
But what I do know is what is most important in my life –
building relationships and developing meaningful social interactions.
My life is about exploring, learning, and growing with the people around me.
I look back on my life and remember two people that I have shared an intimate relationship with –
there’s a nostalgia for both of them.
I love them and I miss them in my life.
Even “just as friends.”
I wish they knew.
I wish they felt the same.
But there’s that ego.
That pride –
that seems to get in the way of everything.
Even though 99% of my thoughts are emotionally positive, I can’t seem to shake the 1% that actually hinders me from communicating with them.
I blame my lack of maturity…
or maybe just not enough time has gone by.
Crazy, how things can take so long to heal and pass.
How intense the first one was.
How deep the second one cut me.
I’ve moved forward though, filling everyday with something –
so that it doesn’t remind me of the relationships that I have established, the ones that probably need the most tending to.
Actually, I don’t know if that’s true.
But I spend more time talking to strangers than I do to the closest people I know, or re-acquainting with the ones from the past.
I guess I just need to figure out how much time I need to spend for those that are established, versus those that are new — and allotting myself some downtime…
I have a problem in saying, “no,” which often puts me in a sticky spot.
For instance, this last month, I’m guilty of queuing 4 different people up for four consecutive days (twice).
I can be a social butterfly, but now I’m getting irritable.
I have this thing where I feel like I’m missing out on all these opportunities if I don’t jump on them.
The solution to all my problems would be to just take a breath and slow down.
But often times it’s not even knowing how to take a breath.
