Long and winded, because that’s how I feel.
The past two weeks have been rough. I’ve been stressing out at work and haven’t been able to relieve that stress immediately. Today I am restless and cannot focus. I am unable to get any significant amount of work done. I’ve also been faced with the challenges of being told that I didn’t do something correctly. Humans make mistakes. And I know that if I had the knowledge or if had taken more care, I should have done everything correctly. But it eats me up inside and makes me hate my job even more. The perfectionism is killing me (sorry for the exaggeration). I just can’t let things go. And I wish I could have done everything right in the first place. And now I’m here. And I have to move forward. But I just can’t get my footing. I have two left feet btw. I’m on 4 different engagements/clients right now…and I feel like I’m going to make a mistake on one of them because I can’t focus enough attention to one thing. My detail-orientedness is actually lacking right now. It’s that syndrome of being spread too thin.
My consistent volunteering has ended or I’m taking a break until the end of December. I figured I needed to focus on getting shit done for work. But really, now I have no balance. I’m stuck with something that stresses me out and I have no outlet. What I really need is a vacation from work, not volunteering. And I haven’t exercised in awhile. Except today I went for a walk/run to clear my head. But it’s only temporary that I feel okay. Now I feel like crap again.It’s one of those weeks where I need to exercise six hours a day in order to be solid. Perhaps I should eat more fish right now. It supposedly improves your disposition. One time I ate sushi like four days straight and I was super happy. I think this is how my four eharmony dates went smoothly. I must be out of juice.
Anyway, on top of all this crap, one of the one’s I was dating awhile ago (not the strangers/eharmony), emailed me to “check in” and ask how I’m doing. A kind of half apology for not getting in touch with me sooner. So while I feel like he’s trying to make amends, I don’t really know what he wants. And I really shouldn’t care. Because I should be over it all. But honestly, I shoved it all aside when my plate got full of volunteering. How fucking untimely that my volunteer events are on break and he comes back into the picture. It’s like where I was 3 months ago. So I sucked it up and said that I was doing well and super busy (well I was for the past two months). I want to be okay with him. I don’t want to burn any bridges. I don’t want to write him off. But I’m still sore about how he didn’t consider how I felt. The lack of consideration makes me question why I want to be his “friend” anyway. It’s a “no good” kind of situation for me. It doesn’t make any sense. He invited me to a game day next weekend. I like having the option to go, but I have to disconnect myself completely, otherwise I’ll be sore when I’m there. And I don’t want to be sore.
Everything is supposed to be okay.
You would think after nine eharmony individuals and 14 dates in two months, I should be numb to anything relationship-oriented.
Not the case, sadly.
No matter how hard I try, I still get hurt.
I like to say that I’m resilient. But it takes awhile to get there. Like the one that cut me deep. The cut that never healed.
I’m still putting myself out there, ready to get hurt again.
It’s the dumbest thing to do, but for some fucked up reasoning, it’s all supposed to be worth it when you find someone that really clicks.
It’s paradoxical.
And then there’s this roommate of a friend who texts me out of the blue and says we should hang out and I should call him, you know, because he called me the last time.
For some reason, I find this request to be inane.
While I think reciprocation happens naturally or unnaturally, such as this example — there’s gotta be an etiquette for requesting someone to reciprocate. Especially if I hardly know the guy. And he’s 31. He should have his shit together. Hello!?
I wrote to my psychologist today. I pretty much ranted and raved like on this post. Then I hit the 1000 character limit. Twice. It was then that I realized what I really needed to do was just write a blog post.
I think I feel better.
Excuse the poor grammar, punctuation and shit. This pretty much got regurgitated from my brain and spewed out the way I’ve been thinking about it. I’m kind of crazy like that.
