teh fortune cookie

I had an epiphany last night — between my nightmare of facing Chucky and him telling me it’s all my fault and that I need to come back and fix it, and another, not-so-pleasant-dream where everyone is bleeding and getting killed.

I’m not sure how any of these nightmares were conjured, but my revelation exists because of a connection and reference to my camping trip in B.C.

The second day I hiked, I realized that I was much slower than the rest of the second group going to Upper Pierce.  I decided to hang at the tail and take my time.  An Aussie named Tom said it was much better to go slower and take your time so you could enjoy the scenery and also not overwork yourself.  He said he’d hike with me.  I insisted that he continue on and that I didn’t want to hold him back.

He did not give in.

So for the next two and a half hours we hiked and stopped and admired the scenery together.  While I hated feeling like I needed to keep up when hiking with others, he was well aware of my limits and paced himself so I never felt pressured.  He had many opportunities to catch up with everyone else and talk with the other guys, yet he never left me by myself.  He explained that it was better to stick together incase anything happened.

I understand that I often let my pride overrule safety and it’s a bad habit that I need to break (especially when I travel).

I suffer from an invincible disillusion.

In the dream where everyone was bleeding and people were being attacked left and right, there was a being that looked like Keanu Reeves with long, brown-blonde, wavy hair (the hippie surfer type) who I thought was a bad person, but ended up being a good guy — interceding a blow when I became cornered by someone trying to kill me.  Long story short, he mind-controlled an enemy as he was being attacked and forced him to attack the attacker.  The being told me to run downstairs to an escape door and have everyone follow.

In both situations, there was an unrelenting desire to provide safety and care for someone, despite their own needs and wants.  By communicating and sharing their intentions, there was never any question of what they were doing.

For the longest time, I’ve been trying to take my last relationship off a pedestal.

To see what truly existed and not what I wanted to see.

And it is not up until today, 10 months later, that I can say that I have finally found a fault, and I want more.

I lost a lot of hope over the months.

Trying to fit people into that molding.

Like one of my friends tells me, “It’s not a boyfriend factory.”

I can’t have everything.

He may not have these qualities, but as long as he has those, then I can compromise.

What I’ve learned, even though it sounds so primitive and instinctual, is that I want a sense of safety and security.  I want someone that demonstrates that they care about me more than anything in the world (exaggeration).

And — I want that they communicate that.

I don’t want to wonder.

I don’t want to be left in the dark.

I don’t ever want to not know where my relationship stands, again.

The difference between me having a “significant other” kind of relationship and having just a friendship is that I always know where I stand with my friendships.  Through all the good and bad, I know how much the other is reciprocating (or not).  And if it’s not enough, I know not to put up with that, or I learn how to gauge my friend’s personality.

But either way, I move on.

In a relationship, I don’t know how to do that, yet.

But I realize that this is something that cannot be compromised.

It is too important.

It signifies that there is a huge problem.

So today, I’ve re-prioritized –

so that I get to move forward further.

It’s been long awaited.