• want to read it/look at it/remember it.
• can use it for a crafts project.
• need it for an emergency.

Store it until winter.

Store it until summer.

Store it until you need it.

Can you get rid of these tangible “things” (i.e. photo albums, books, school work, etc) that sit in your bedroom, closet, garage, <insert other storage space>?

Can you live a life where if everything were to burn in a fire and all you could run out with was your laptop & hard drive, you wouldn’t be devastated one bit?

I’d like a life with less clutter and tangible stuff — but there’s some kind of attachment to physical objects. Just as looking at photos digitally may evoke a different emotion or response than flipping through a physical album.

Are we conditioned to be attached to physical things?

Or can we truly live a less materialistic lifestyle and attain more freedom?

I want to clear my room except for things that I use on a weekly basis.

I think it will make me happier.

I’m wondering what other peoples lives are like who have done something similar…

…and decided to give it a try.

It took me approximately 30 minutes to come up with a combination of 36 statements and questions. The questions seemed to revolve around self-doubt — but I think it was necessary to write them down for progression. The more that I spent time and wrote down random thoughts, the more I made a breaking. There was a natural theme progression around people, relationships, being valuable, and being myself.

I don’t feel completely satisfied with my cumulative collection of thoughts, as I feel like its too vague to really be measurable in results, but this is what I came up with (and will have to do for now).

My purpose in life is to:

Be helpful, considerate, valuable, and trusted. When I am such, I can be happy, right, and free to do things knowing I am making the right decision. Build cohesion, community, unity, and promote ownership and responsibility with others. Stay grounded and true in my principals and what makes me happy, short term and long term. My overall purpose in life is to be me — rather than transforming into other peoples persona, lifestyles, and how they want to see me.

My next step is to begin filling out: http://weekplan.net/

Hopefully the website will help me evolve some of my thoughts — painting a clearer and more detailed picture.

I know things I need to do. Like exercise.

I like being outdoors. I like getting fresh air and exercising.

But the hardest part is getting out to go do it.

I don’t get it.

I can’t stand taking 2/3 classes anymore.

I go stir-crazy in Biology and anxious doing Macroeconomics online.

Not sure how I’m going to get through the semester when I don’t read and memorize the concepts.

One thing at a time.

One day at a time.

I’m stuck, mentally.

I can’t throw myself on people, no matter how bad I want to.

It’s so juvenile.

And heaven forbid I come off that way.

I seem to have thwarted most everyone off because I’m too damn “busy.”

I don’t want to use and abuse…

Thus, I stay physically frustrated.

All I want is a nice, quick, but passionate one that will “scratch the itch.”

It may make me want more and hook me into my old friend “addiction –”

But it’s a temporary fix.

It’ll be an illusion of “happiness” for a little bit.

I think that may be all I need to jump-start my bed-crazy May…

No point in breaking the habit this year.

Sighs.

Now I would normally say that I’m a pretty happy person. I mean, looking at my blog posts, I have my down moments. And when they’re down, they’re really down. But the rest of the year is mostly about the wonderful things I have the opportunity to do/make time to do/prioritize. Perhaps if I prioritized like that throughout the entire year, I would feel closer to 100% happy all the time.

But the reality of it all is that we can’t always be happy. And we are prone to losing sight of what’s really important. It seems that if the question, “what will make me happy?” is answered, then we’d be good to go. But sometimes we can’t answer that question. Sometimes we don’t know where we’re headed or what we need to do to be happy. Sometimes we might think something will make us happy, but we shove it aside, rationalizing or making excuses why we can’t do/have that thing. Or we just aren’t sure if that will truly make us happy. But how will we know if we don’t try? The key is to keep a balance and have some kind of support, or backbone. In case we want to try something out-of-this-world, then we’d have people to catch us if we fall flat on our face…or so we hope. Sometimes people give up huge parts of their life to create happiness for themselves. Under stable circumstances I wouldn’t do this, but under whimsical, fed-up, or other crazy circumstances, I just might.

I can’t answer where I’m headed or what I really want to do, as nothing is set in stone. I always like having a plan, short term and long term. But over the last year, as I’ve come up with these kinds of plans, they tend to wisp away in a matter of time. The perfectionism in me wants me to be consistent and do as I say that I want to do, a year ago. But I have to do what I need, and not worry about people looking down upon my inconsistent words and decisions. Being a back-peddler or flake are unflattering traits…  I feel like up until this point in time I’ve been as consistent as I could hold myself to my words, but my psychologist says I should try being a flake. Try showing up late.

I have so many chances to do this, but I always show up at least 10 minutes early everywhere I go. My thought is that I respect people’s time to be on time, and I would hope they’d do the same. But everyone always shows up 5 – 10 minutes late. And then I keep thinking how my standards are so rigorous that I don’t even follow the norm of society. People should be on time, but most of society isn’t. So I have to be okay with that. Perhaps I have to conform to the late trend.

A few paragraphs later, I still haven’t answered what really matters now. How do I get my bigger picture perspective back? What I’m doing is fighting my emotional side. This is usually an on-going monthly, one-week battle. So what I have to do is list what I’m appreciative of — I forgot to reflect during Thanksgiving — hopefully this will provide me some kind of forward movement.

• Cousin – strangest but coolest thing is being able to click with my cousin, who has become one of my closest friends. Someone that I know I can call up or talk to any time of day. She always seems to know what I need when I’m down…
• Steady income – to not have to worry about money.
• Volunteering – to have the opportunity to give back in the community.
• Opportunities – to do whatever I want to do (i.e. travel, vacation, etc)
• Health* – well this hasn’t been an especially good year for me and I’ve managed to stay alive…but this definitely needs more taking care of.
• Friends* – while I feel like my closest friends have been pretty distant this year, I still know they’re there. They are my backbone. Sometimes I forget how to lean on them. Sometimes I can’t and don’t know how to. Maybe this requires more practice.

I built my list. But I haven’t got any epiphanies. What matters now is my happiness. What makes me happy — all of the above. So while I have these things, why am I sulky? Why can’t I get out of this rut? Why can’t I focus and do my job?

I need social interactions but I need time for myself. I’ve got to cut back or quit eharmony. I want a relationship but I don’t. I’ve got to figure out whether this can really fit in my life right now. Rather, if I find the right person, how to fit them in my life. But I don’t have that. Yet I want that. SO maybe I should just be realistic. But I need affection. So I’ll go to great lengths for it. Maybe even dupe a few people along the way. It’s okay that I fake myself  into believing it’s real. Because it satisfies and fulfills the need.

Do animals need affection? I just want to pin my need for affection on primitive instinct.

What matters now isn’t something I can answer because I haven’t prioritized. All I can think about is things that don’t really matter, like the amount of hours I have to work in the next three weeks, or about the boy who has come back into the scene and is compelling me to heal quicker, or about the other dates that I scheduled myself to go on when I really don’t want to/have the time/nor genuine interest (shocking!). And I think it all stems from my inability to say “no,” when I need to. To determine where to draw the line before I reach my breaking point. I don’t know my capacity as well as I would like. I don’t want to run at everything that stresses me out, so I keep pushing myself further and further, until I break. How can I determine where I need to stop?

It gets tiring thinking about others. I think that’s why I am where I am. I’ve forgotten about myself again and I don’t know how to re-focus. I never want to say or do something that will hurt others so I am constantly considering how other people feel and evaluating the situation.

So how do I feel? I say that I’m taking on too much, jokingly. But is it really a joke? It’s more than I’m used to. But I can handle it. I’ve handled it for the past three months…

Fuck.

I’m just talking in circles.

I quit.

My consistent volunteering has ended or I’m taking a break until the end of December. I figured I needed to focus on getting shit done for work. But really, now I have no balance. I’m stuck with something that stresses me out and I have no outlet. What I really need is a vacation from work, not volunteering. And I haven’t exercised in awhile. Except today I went for a walk/run to clear my head. But it’s only temporary that I feel okay. Now I feel like crap again.It’s one of those weeks where I need to exercise six hours a day in order to be solid. Perhaps I should eat more fish right now. It supposedly improves your disposition. One time I ate sushi like four days straight and I was super happy. I think this is how my four eharmony dates went smoothly. I must be out of juice.

Anyway, on top of all this crap, one of the one’s I was dating awhile ago (not the strangers/eharmony), emailed me to “check in” and ask how I’m doing. A kind of half apology for not getting in touch with me sooner. So while I feel like he’s trying to make amends, I don’t really know what he wants. And I really shouldn’t care. Because I should be over it all. But honestly, I shoved it all aside when my plate got full of volunteering. How fucking untimely that my volunteer events are on break and he comes back into the picture. It’s like where I was 3 months ago. So I sucked it up and said that I was doing well and super busy (well I was for the past two months). I want to be okay with him. I don’t want to burn any bridges. I don’t want to write him off. But I’m still sore about how he didn’t consider how I felt. The lack of consideration makes me question why I want to be his “friend” anyway. It’s a “no good” kind of situation for me. It doesn’t make any sense. He invited me to a game day next weekend. I like having the option to go, but I have to disconnect myself completely, otherwise I’ll be sore when I’m there. And I don’t want to be sore.

Everything is supposed to be okay.

You would think after nine eharmony individuals and 14 dates in two months, I should be numb to anything relationship-oriented.

Not the case, sadly.

No matter how hard I try, I still get hurt.

I like to say that I’m resilient. But it takes awhile to get there. Like the one that cut me deep. The cut that never healed.

I’m still putting myself out there, ready to get hurt again.

It’s the dumbest thing to do, but for some fucked up reasoning, it’s all supposed to be worth it when you find someone that really clicks.

It’s paradoxical.

And then there’s this roommate of a friend who texts me out of the blue and says we should hang out and I should call him, you know, because he called me the last time.

For some reason, I find this request to be inane.

While I think reciprocation happens naturally or unnaturally, such as this example — there’s gotta be an etiquette for requesting someone to reciprocate. Especially if I hardly know the guy. And he’s 31. He should have his shit together. Hello!?

I wrote to my psychologist today. I pretty much ranted and raved like on this post. Then I hit the 1000 character limit. Twice. It was then that I realized what I really needed to do was just write a blog post.

I think I feel better.

Excuse the poor grammar, punctuation and shit. This pretty much got regurgitated from my brain and spewed out the way I’ve been thinking about it. I’m kind of crazy like that.