• Define concrete principles and practice them. I never defined my concrete principles. I have them in my head. Scattered. But this is something I should do now than later. Not sure how I’ve managed to skimp on this…the foundation for everything else.
• Exercise, relax and practice meditating. Wow. I hate to admit that I only when I get to my breaking point I begin to do this. What I really need is to do this on a more consistent basis so I don’t have to reach a breaking point. More hiking, more yoga, more deep breathing.
• “Focus on my relationships with others”/Quality relationships. I want to be a super-connector. But I also want to have stronger relationships with my closest friends and family. What I’ve learned in 2009 is that my friendships strengthen when I spend quality time with them. It’s not about how much time I spend with them, but what we do with the time we’ve got. I know I’ve accomplished this when I feel that after even months of not hanging out, we can still get together and pick up from where we left off. At work, I want to connect better with my clients. I want to network by building friendships.

The one goal that I am most relieved to have “accomplished” in 2009 is defining my career and where I’m headed.  I would like to get involved in social work with stronger support. The only way to do this is to go back to school for a Master’s of Social Work degree. I would like to focus on developing more efficient programs to effectively reach out to the target audience. To maximize our impact to those that need help. To ensure that volunteers have a memorable experience.

While nothing in life is set in stone, I’ve mapped out a rough plan of my 2010 year.  The first few months are much more solid than the latter part of the year…But all of these may change down the road.  What matters now is that I have some kind of peace of mind.

January – May

• Enrolled in two (maybe three) community college courses for MSW pre-requisite (Weekly: Monday’s and Wednesday’s)
• Continue mentoring two youth through Reading Partners (Weekly: Tuesday’s)
• Continue interacting with one autistic child (Weekly: Thursday’s)
• Continue singing lessons (Once or twice a month)
• Volunteer in ICO to take youth on outdoor trips (Time permitting – long term commitment)
• Work 40 hours/week and split my time between two different engagements and managers (if feasible).
• Project lead HOBA projects (St. Anthony’s, Twin Peaks, and Almost Eden Garden).

May – August

• Travel
• Work and save money
• Apply for NOLS.

August – December

• MSW program (if accepted)
• NOLS program (if accepted)
• Travel/live in a foreign country (Peru, Chile, Australia, or Europe)

It’s definitely a challenge.

As an external auditor, people hate me before they even meet me.

I’m not used to that.

Throughout engagements I’ve attempted to show that I’m a sensitive, human being who is going to use keen judgment when testing their IT infrastructure controls.

I understand that humans make mistakes.

I will be sensitive to you, if you are likewise to me.

It’s a reciprocation, really.

I’ve recently been presented switching service lines into information protection and business resilience.

I’m not exactly sure what that entails — I would be lying if I said that I understood what it was all about.

But truthfully, I’m just as lost about it as I was with information risk management in the external audit.

My largest concern is being a noob all over again.

But if I don’t do it now, it’ll get much more difficult.

I might even get stuck in my ways and enjoy a level of comfort of knowing exactly how to do my job.

The only problem with this is that the line of work that I do right now is not rewarding.

I’m having a hard time understanding what kind of skills and resources I need in order to do something that I am passionate about; thus, a huge disconnect between the experience I’m obtaining in my day-to-day versus where I want to be, soon.

I think that this year will require me to really push myself in developing a career that I enjoy.

I’ve written down areas that I want to pursue, but I need more information in order to figure out what I need to do to get there.

I’ll be doing a lot of communicating with various people, I know.

I am passionate about what I want in life and I hope that it’ll help drive the change that ultimately, brings me fulfillment and inner peace with each day that I am involved.

I will not settle with a job that does not make me happy.

I will put in just enough time to figure out what I really want to do.

I think the most difficult thing about it all is that my principles aren’t set in stone.

I don’t know whether they will ever be.

I’m not sure why I need to do “the right thing” — because it’s the right thing? Because if someone else were in my shoes, I would want them to do the right thing?

Ugh. It’s hard to wrap my head around it all.

While I shouldn’t be selfish, I feel that my happiness is compromised when I do things for others that I really just don’t feel like doing.

It’s a battle between doing the right thing versus compromising my happiness.

It’s just a short-term happiness that I’m compromising, or is it?

I can see how good people make mistakes.

I can see how easily one can veer and not do the right thing, and that it takes all the strength and willpower that one has, in order to do the right thing when one clearly doesn’t want to do it.

Humans weren’t made to do the right things — we weren’t meant to be perfect.

Humans try to condition themselves to do the right things…so that we can say that we’re good people?

But we all fuck up.

We all fail at some point in time.

What is this need to always do the right thing?

I’m driving myself crazy.

What if I I choose not to do the right thing and I’m happy about it?

I’m a bad person because I intend to do the very opposite of the right thing.

Why is it so black and white?

Perhaps, if I can live with my actions then that’s okay?

It’s all so gray.

Fuck the noise inside my head.

I almost forgot how to work a cassette tape.

Listened to:

• Cab Calloway – Happy Feet
• Los Del Rio – Macarena
• Atlantic Starr – Masterpiece

…and myself singing when I was six years old, making up a Father’s Day song (rhymes and all)

…and myself playing the piano, my last year of lessons in preparation for Certificate of Merit.

• Invention #13 – Bach
• Polonaise in g minor – Chopin
• Sonata Op. 6 – Beethoven
• Sonata (?) – Mozart
• Waltz – Chopin
• Phantom – Bober

To work around getting rid of sentimental items, I took photos of my old toys and trolls so that I can look back on them, if I so choose.

I think I have a dust ball in my throat. Haven’t gone through this stuff in years.

Busted out the old Nintendo Game Boy. Freakin’ huge ass piece of technology. Played my favorite game, Tetris. Definitely not as good as I used to be, but good times…

Goodbye sentimental items (part I)!

how old I get,

I will practice

being humble

like

a buzzing bumble bee

consistent in its hum.

And

with all the best intentions

to do the right thing for others

and for myself –

that if I fuck up,

I will yield to remorse

and admit

my wrongdoings

wholeheartedly.

To surrender

to the pain and anguish –

That…

is retribution.

I take a breath.

Think.

Clear the cobwebs

and acknowledge the mistake.

A mistake that if

there was a such thing as

a “do-over,”

it would be  done

differently.

I take a second breath.

Think.

And apologize

from the heart so

that you know I am

genuine and sincere.

I take a final breath

And feel!

So that I can learn and be a

better performer — a

better person.

The next time around.