…and decided to give it a try.

It took me approximately 30 minutes to come up with a combination of 36 statements and questions. The questions seemed to revolve around self-doubt — but I think it was necessary to write them down for progression. The more that I spent time and wrote down random thoughts, the more I made a breaking. There was a natural theme progression around people, relationships, being valuable, and being myself.

I don’t feel completely satisfied with my cumulative collection of thoughts, as I feel like its too vague to really be measurable in results, but this is what I came up with (and will have to do for now).

My purpose in life is to:

Be helpful, considerate, valuable, and trusted. When I am such, I can be happy, right, and free to do things knowing I am making the right decision. Build cohesion, community, unity, and promote ownership and responsibility with others. Stay grounded and true in my principals and what makes me happy, short term and long term. My overall purpose in life is to be me — rather than transforming into other peoples persona, lifestyles, and how they want to see me.

My next step is to begin filling out: http://weekplan.net/

Hopefully the website will help me evolve some of my thoughts — painting a clearer and more detailed picture.

• Define concrete principles and practice them. I never defined my concrete principles. I have them in my head. Scattered. But this is something I should do now than later. Not sure how I’ve managed to skimp on this…the foundation for everything else.
• Exercise, relax and practice meditating. Wow. I hate to admit that I only when I get to my breaking point I begin to do this. What I really need is to do this on a more consistent basis so I don’t have to reach a breaking point. More hiking, more yoga, more deep breathing.
• “Focus on my relationships with others”/Quality relationships. I want to be a super-connector. But I also want to have stronger relationships with my closest friends and family. What I’ve learned in 2009 is that my friendships strengthen when I spend quality time with them. It’s not about how much time I spend with them, but what we do with the time we’ve got. I know I’ve accomplished this when I feel that after even months of not hanging out, we can still get together and pick up from where we left off. At work, I want to connect better with my clients. I want to network by building friendships.

The one goal that I am most relieved to have “accomplished” in 2009 is defining my career and where I’m headed.  I would like to get involved in social work with stronger support. The only way to do this is to go back to school for a Master’s of Social Work degree. I would like to focus on developing more efficient programs to effectively reach out to the target audience. To maximize our impact to those that need help. To ensure that volunteers have a memorable experience.

While nothing in life is set in stone, I’ve mapped out a rough plan of my 2010 year.  The first few months are much more solid than the latter part of the year…But all of these may change down the road.  What matters now is that I have some kind of peace of mind.

January – May

• Enrolled in two (maybe three) community college courses for MSW pre-requisite (Weekly: Monday’s and Wednesday’s)
• Continue mentoring two youth through Reading Partners (Weekly: Tuesday’s)
• Continue interacting with one autistic child (Weekly: Thursday’s)
• Continue singing lessons (Once or twice a month)
• Volunteer in ICO to take youth on outdoor trips (Time permitting – long term commitment)
• Work 40 hours/week and split my time between two different engagements and managers (if feasible).
• Project lead HOBA projects (St. Anthony’s, Twin Peaks, and Almost Eden Garden).

May – August

• Travel
• Work and save money
• Apply for NOLS.

August – December

• MSW program (if accepted)
• NOLS program (if accepted)
• Travel/live in a foreign country (Peru, Chile, Australia, or Europe)

I think the most difficult thing about it all is that my principles aren’t set in stone.

I don’t know whether they will ever be.

I’m not sure why I need to do “the right thing” — because it’s the right thing? Because if someone else were in my shoes, I would want them to do the right thing?

Ugh. It’s hard to wrap my head around it all.

While I shouldn’t be selfish, I feel that my happiness is compromised when I do things for others that I really just don’t feel like doing.

It’s a battle between doing the right thing versus compromising my happiness.

It’s just a short-term happiness that I’m compromising, or is it?

I can see how good people make mistakes.

I can see how easily one can veer and not do the right thing, and that it takes all the strength and willpower that one has, in order to do the right thing when one clearly doesn’t want to do it.

Humans weren’t made to do the right things — we weren’t meant to be perfect.

Humans try to condition themselves to do the right things…so that we can say that we’re good people?

But we all fuck up.

We all fail at some point in time.

What is this need to always do the right thing?

I’m driving myself crazy.

What if I I choose not to do the right thing and I’m happy about it?

I’m a bad person because I intend to do the very opposite of the right thing.

Why is it so black and white?

Perhaps, if I can live with my actions then that’s okay?

It’s all so gray.

Fuck the noise inside my head.

the touch.

The warm

affection.

A fiery flaming

passion.

Sexually lawless

and unrestrained.

We are really nothing

more than animals.

To scratch the itch,

to feed the crave,

to let go and just forget

how to behave we just

do what we must

the primitive

natural way

releasing energy just to

feel good.

how old I get,

I will practice

being humble

like

a buzzing bumble bee

consistent in its hum.

And

with all the best intentions

to do the right thing for others

and for myself –

that if I fuck up,

I will yield to remorse

and admit

my wrongdoings

wholeheartedly.

To surrender

to the pain and anguish –

That…

is retribution.

I take a breath.

Think.

Clear the cobwebs

and acknowledge the mistake.

A mistake that if

there was a such thing as

a “do-over,”

it would be  done

differently.

I take a second breath.

Think.

And apologize

from the heart so

that you know I am

genuine and sincere.

I take a final breath

And feel!

So that I can learn and be a

better performer — a

better person.

The next time around.