This is what I need to do to be effective at overcoming my greatest challenges and attaining aspirations.

This is what is important to me.

4 Dimensions of Human Nature

• Physical – exercise, nutrition, stress management
• Mental – Reading, visualizing, planning, writing
• Spiritual – Value clarification, commitment, study, meditation
• Social/Emotional – service, empathy, synergy, intrinsic security.

In order to be an effective person, I have to have a balance in all four dimensions.

They are intertwined and affect each other at the core.

My daily goal, for the rest of my life, is to be cognizant of when I have not fulfilled the 4 dimensions of human nature. This is a lot to commit to, but I can only see good things happening as a result.

On top of the 4 dimensions, I must be principle-centered.

And I must start now.

While a lot of people might think it’s common sense, it’s not all that common practice.

I don’t think the majority of households really understand the significance of teaching correct principles, otherwise they’d do it and we’d all be on similar pages…. They may instill some principles, but to effectively practice and nurture it is a different story.

Sooo…I may be behind the crowd, perhaps — but starting now is better than “later.”

And I’m going to be honest, like I always am: I wasn’t brought up with all the unchanging, permanent, self-evident and fundamental principles I would have hoped for — to this day — I feel like I’m lacking the majority. My family taught by the “right” or “wrong,” “don’t do that” methodology. That methodology does not provide proper, self-evident truths that can be applied to all circumstances.

In this day and age, I’ve become sucked into the “personality ethic” — where I buy into having the “right” attitude, behavior, techniques and communication skills… But this is not enough. This, as Stephen Covey calls it in his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, is “lubrication” for human interaction. It is “social mileage.” We play the game, we manipulate the rules — all for social recognition. However, life is not about social recognition — it’s about influence, impact and how we affect others and society.

This is why something like volunteering my time actually feels good — I never think twice about where I want to be or where I should be because where I am at the time, is all of the above. It’s what needs to happen.  I get to fulfill all 4 dimensions for my personal balance and then execute a a few basic, but again, fundamental principles such as service, humility, patience and human dignity.

I think that it is important to recognize that life is a process, a development, a growing; therefore, there are no shortcuts in life  — and quick-fixes are just that. They don’t fix the root of the problem, which is likely to occur again.

It is important for me to slow down, take time and begin with baby steps — to correct what needs to be corrected, instead of looking for a band-aid.

It may feel uncomfortable, awkward or painful, but it needs to happen, because the outcome is so great. To have the end in mind and understand that if I spend time to correct and fix things — where it stems — then only good can result.

An example of this is asking my mom if she is willing to commit 15 minutes a day to practice dialogue and discourse.

She agreed.

Tonight we talked for nearly 2 hours — and it was because she wanted to, after she understood my intent. I told her that I want to build a relationship with her where we have an open, honest and a trusting mother-daughter relationship. So there’s a potential for having synergy. I want her to listen emphatically, understand me and provide affirmation. That means, no talking over me, no handing me her “prescriptive glasses”/autobiography — no unsolicited “advice.” I told her if I wanted to hear it, I would ask her, “What would you do if you were in my situation? What did you do?” I told her that she just “prescribes” me her “glasses” without even “diagnosing.” She interrupts and never hears my full situation — always looking for a way to “reply” or provide a quick fix — which in turn just makes me angry at her and halts all communication. This is something that I’m going to start doing next week with my sister, if she’ll agree to it too. We’ll see how it goes…

I must always be aware of my paradigms and how I see the world. My paradigms are based on my experience; therefore, they are true for me and I must be responsible for them. I need to examine and test them against reality and listen with an open mind to others’ paradigms and perceptions – their world. If I maintain this awareness, I will have a more objective view and be a fairer, less judgmental person.

I must not remain guarded — because if I do, I will never take risks, never truly conquer my fears nor allow myself to have any options. If I close off people and say, “I don’t want to hear it,” whether it be for comfort sake, difference of paradigms, or something else — I am not being open-minded. I have not even begun to try and understand them, so how could I ever seek to be understood by them? I am being selfish by coddling myself! This happens with my mom all the time…

Other things to consider working on: patience, pro-activeness, having hope, balance, art of “we” — not just “what’s in it for me?”, to understand and then to be understood, and valuing and embracing differences.

It’s been over a year that I’ve been transforming from dependent -> independent. I think I’ve come a long way, but I still have more work to be done. I need to believe and work on being principle-centered instead of pleasure and work-centered.

Once I have done this, I will be able to move toward interdependency, and perhaps stumble upon an affirming, loving, and complementing person to be in a relationship — someone who is principle-centered and believes in honesty, integrity, fidelity, temperance, courage, justice, patience, modesty, service, quality, excellence, potential, growth, nurturing, simplicity and encouragement.

And then, it will be working toward synergy — “we not me” — husband and kids of my own! O_O

Okay, that’s far into the future, but something to consider when the time comes…

Right now, I am beginning with the end in mind, prioritizing and demonstrating pro-activity in everything that I’m too scared to do.

No excuses.

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We can describe voluntary simplicity as a manner of living that is outwardly more simple and inwardly more rich, a way of being in which our most authentic and alive self is brought into direct and conscious contact with living. – Duane Elgin

Freeganism

Embrace community, generosity, social concern, freedom, cooperation, and sharing in opposition to a society based on materialism, moral apathy, competition, conformity, and greed. – Freegan.info

Tell me:

• What am I doing?
• Why am I doing what I am doing/Why is this important?
• Who does this affect?

Give me the information, let me sort out my thoughts and let me come back to you to clarify.  I need to feel around for myself.  I can’t take in all the information and process it at your level.

Let me walk you through the process. I know you know how to do it, so let me tell you how I would do it — I’m the noob.  I don’t know what I don’t know and I don’t know what I do know. So when I walk you through my train of thoughts, you know what I don’t know and can fill in the gaps.  You can tell me what I’m missing so that I can verify what I understand.

Have patience and take time with me if you really care. You help someone because you care for their well-being, or [fill in the blank].  If you take a few minutes to let me talk through something, it shows you really want me to understand and learn.

…I asked the right questions.

…Talking to the CIO, IT Admin, and Software Dev. Manager is completely out of my league.

…I appear dumb and naive.

On the softer side of life, I spent $65 on shoes that I hope will be good to my feet.  My mom says I went to the store where only women with white hair go.  Whatever.  I spent freakin’ 3 hours of shoe shopping today: Macy’s, Nordstrom’s, and lastly, Naturalizer.

And I only came back with one pair.

But since Thailand, I’ve spent nearly $120 on three pairs that just hurt like a mother effer.  Why I buy them, I don’t know.  I think I can rough it — but apparently, I can’t.

So when I got to Naturalizer today, I told the clerks I was going to try on every pair of shoe — even the ugly ones — as long as it felt comfortable.

They didn’t humor me at all.

They just wanted me to buy two and get out.

Anyway, I thought about the MBT’s.  They happen to be uber comfy.

But I couldn’t drop $250 spontaneously.

If anyone knows me, I don’t buy shit on the spot, unless I really need it.

And since most of my days are working, I would have no time to really wear them.  Another reason I talked myself out of them. But rest assured — one of these days I will be sporting them high kickers. 

Oh, and I found out my feet are super small!  Sizes 6 and 6 1/2 today.  How I haven’t known that all along, again, I don’t know.  Different shoes, different sizes.

Anyway, I was also looking for a purse today since my current one will inevitably rip and drop all my shit, soon, I fear. $6 purse from China.

In any case, I thought I should upgrade but I still can’t justify spending $89 on a purse.  Priorities are elsewhere I suppose.

I found a style that I really liked but like every other purse, they’re all so freakin’ huge.  I just want one that fits under my armpit and stays on my shoulder.  Christ!

Anyway, I bit the bullet the last couple of days and started spending some of my “hard-earned money” for reasons because I forget how to have a meaningful life.

That’s how lost I am.

That’s how much I’ve lost what I like to do and lost the drive to be something better.

I’ve lost the motivation to exercise…while I continually eat more than my stomach can handle.

I’ve lost the drive to read my RSS feeds, which frankly, doesn’t take all that much effort.

I never have time to sit down and write a nice, well-thought out email.

I rarely feel like going out and catching up with those I haven’t seen in awhile.

I’m no longer human.

I think this is depression.

A weird kind.

So I think I’ve recognized the problem.

Now I need to suck it up and

…get some motivation?

This reminds me of the time when I was dating my first boyfriend back in 2004.  He didn’t have any motivation to go to college.  I kept thinking, “Just suck it up and go.  It’s not that hard.”

But I also knew that it wasn’t that simple.

You can’t force someone to get motivation when they’ve lost something meaningful in their life.

Right now, I’ve lost meaningful facets of my life.

What was once meaningful may or may not be so anymore — and it’s through this period of time where it will either stay or pass, and I’ll find something else that will take its place.

So my self-discovery through words today is that: I need to figure out how to make things meaningful again, or find something that just is.

I’m not sure how any of these nightmares were conjured, but my revelation exists because of a connection and reference to my camping trip in B.C.

The second day I hiked, I realized that I was much slower than the rest of the second group going to Upper Pierce.  I decided to hang at the tail and take my time.  An Aussie named Tom said it was much better to go slower and take your time so you could enjoy the scenery and also not overwork yourself.  He said he’d hike with me.  I insisted that he continue on and that I didn’t want to hold him back.

He did not give in.

So for the next two and a half hours we hiked and stopped and admired the scenery together.  While I hated feeling like I needed to keep up when hiking with others, he was well aware of my limits and paced himself so I never felt pressured.  He had many opportunities to catch up with everyone else and talk with the other guys, yet he never left me by myself.  He explained that it was better to stick together incase anything happened.

I understand that I often let my pride overrule safety and it’s a bad habit that I need to break (especially when I travel).

I suffer from an invincible disillusion.

In the dream where everyone was bleeding and people were being attacked left and right, there was a being that looked like Keanu Reeves with long, brown-blonde, wavy hair (the hippie surfer type) who I thought was a bad person, but ended up being a good guy — interceding a blow when I became cornered by someone trying to kill me.  Long story short, he mind-controlled an enemy as he was being attacked and forced him to attack the attacker.  The being told me to run downstairs to an escape door and have everyone follow.

In both situations, there was an unrelenting desire to provide safety and care for someone, despite their own needs and wants.  By communicating and sharing their intentions, there was never any question of what they were doing.

For the longest time, I’ve been trying to take my last relationship off a pedestal.

To see what truly existed and not what I wanted to see.

And it is not up until today, 10 months later, that I can say that I have finally found a fault, and I want more.

I lost a lot of hope over the months.

Trying to fit people into that molding.

Like one of my friends tells me, “It’s not a boyfriend factory.”

I can’t have everything.

He may not have these qualities, but as long as he has those, then I can compromise.

What I’ve learned, even though it sounds so primitive and instinctual, is that I want a sense of safety and security.  I want someone that demonstrates that they care about me more than anything in the world (exaggeration).

And — I want that they communicate that.

I don’t want to wonder.

I don’t want to be left in the dark.

I don’t ever want to not know where my relationship stands, again.

The difference between me having a “significant other” kind of relationship and having just a friendship is that I always know where I stand with my friendships.  Through all the good and bad, I know how much the other is reciprocating (or not).  And if it’s not enough, I know not to put up with that, or I learn how to gauge my friend’s personality.

But either way, I move on.

In a relationship, I don’t know how to do that, yet.

But I realize that this is something that cannot be compromised.

It is too important.

It signifies that there is a huge problem.

So today, I’ve re-prioritized –

so that I get to move forward further.

It’s been long awaited.