• want to read it/look at it/remember it.
• can use it for a crafts project.
• need it for an emergency.

Store it until winter.

Store it until summer.

Store it until you need it.

Can you get rid of these tangible “things” (i.e. photo albums, books, school work, etc) that sit in your bedroom, closet, garage, <insert other storage space>?

Can you live a life where if everything were to burn in a fire and all you could run out with was your laptop & hard drive, you wouldn’t be devastated one bit?

I’d like a life with less clutter and tangible stuff — but there’s some kind of attachment to physical objects. Just as looking at photos digitally may evoke a different emotion or response than flipping through a physical album.

Are we conditioned to be attached to physical things?

Or can we truly live a less materialistic lifestyle and attain more freedom?

I want to clear my room except for things that I use on a weekly basis.

I think it will make me happier.

I’m wondering what other peoples lives are like who have done something similar…

1. They prepare and bake haphazardly — without care, without passion, without love; just to get it done.
2. They don’t read directions. They just do whatever the hell they want.
3. They forget that they need to pre-heat the oven. Sticking the mix directly in the oven often turns into a slow and unsuccessful baking experience.

…

August 13, 2008 – Strange things I do when I’m happy

1. Wiggle my whole body when delighted by food.
2. Skip when I’m excited and anxious.
3. Hum or sing a melody.
4. Hit people on the arm like I’m playing drums (gotta get rid of this one).

…

February 20, 2006 - Balance me

I crave for an affectionate touch
I crave to be noticed
I crave to be wanted
In the end, I crave to be appreciated

I desire to get to know people
I desire that people will not shut me out
In the end, I desire to love them for who they are.

I desire that people will want to get to know me
I desire that I will not shut them out
In the end, I desire to be loved.

…

November 26, 2006

I need to have a purpose to live.

Make me important, noticed, cared for and subject me to a life of thrills.
Keep me on my feet, challenge me physically, but don’t toy with my emotions.

Show me something that I’ve not seen before
and you will be admired.
Show me devotion
and you will be remembered.
Show me logic
and I will teach you how to feel.
Show me your lifestyle
and I will project it as my own.
Show me ardent love for anything
and I will praise you for committment.

a boy came along and emotions followed.

And the sneaky thing about it all is –

I wasn’t looking for a thing…a fling, nor a kiss of his.

But I find an excitement arousing,

A girl screaming and floundering –

Forgetting that things can be good,

The way they should…

in Fairytales.

–

I don’t want to get my hopes up,

only to be let down again.

But who the hell am I kidding?

I should be used to it by now.

–

I’ve got my reservations –

that only make me want to run the opposite direction.

But I’ve got a little birdie on my shoulder,

to remind me that I’m going to be pro-active this year.

And pro-active is not chasing (definitions?).

–

And I don’t want to make a big deal out of nothing –

I don’t want to affix sentimental value to something that should have none (that deserves none?).

But that’s the challenging part.

To separate an independent, feel-good emotion from a cling-to-another emotion that arises just – to feel good.

There is a difference.

Sighs.

I don’t know what I’m saying.

I just want all the good things without the emotional baggage. The emotional baggage tends to grow and become more of a nuisance than a feel-good emotion. And perhaps that’s why people go into routines of “make-up sex” or whatever they call it these days. They do it just to “feel good” because they don’t have a feel-good emotion already.

So — what I’ve figured out, in a roundabout way is that I need to have the feel-good before I do anything drastic. I think it goes hand-in-hand with figuring shit out solo before getting into a relationship — so that say, my significant other is a complement and extension, not a body I just seek to  “become one” with.

That comes later.

Less infatuation and blind devotion and more…balance.

Less one-sided or settling for compromise situations and more of Win-Win.

^_^

Anyway, whatever happens, this one really makes me consider: if there’s something  good right in front of me, do I take it and allow unknown variables disrupt my intricate web of order? Or will I have turned so stubborn that I’ll shoo everything away?

The challenging part is crunching the numbers to weigh whether the odds are favorable or whether they’re stacked against. And is it even mathematically or linguistically possible to figure it out?

Is this thing that I wouldn’t mind having, truly a good thing to be had or is it really poison ivy waiting to be fed so that it can grow, cling and spread — that which can only be maintained by a skilled weed whacker?

How do I know that I’m not a bad person?

How do I know if I come off as rude, bitchy, pushy or just in-it-for-myself?

It does matter what other people think.

I get validation on whether I’m being seen how I want to be seen.

There are some people that can be characterized right off the bat –

“She’s wonderful! She’s considerate, caring and uplifting to be around.”

“He’s a good guy. He has the best intentions and wouldn’t do anything to hurt anyone. He’s the one person who I know that can hold his word. He’s got integrity.”

“She’s so easy-going, hilarious and knows how to tell a good story.”

I want that I’m easy to classify — like the traits above.

I want that whenever someone says my name, they associate certain qualities with me.

I want that these qualities be the ones that I envision.

When I think about myself, I don’t know even know what to think.

All I get is a big ‘ole:

?

I want to say that I am this, this and that –

but am I foolish to believe myself?

Are these just wishful thoughts?

Or must I rely on the outside to tell me like I am?