teh fortune cookie

Right now I have the ability to pretty much do whatever I think I want to do. The only thing that holds me back is myself. So when I don’t exercise, it’s because I don’t make time to exercise. But it has less to do with excuses that I make and more with the motivation that I lack. When it comes down to it, I’m making up excuses for my lack of motivation to do something as simple as walking out the front door and walking around the block.  When my attitude is shitty, it makes it seem like walking out the front door and around the block is with 500lbs strapped to my back. It’s interesting to find that with a change of attitude, everything else changes.

Now I would normally say that I’m a pretty happy person. I mean, looking at my blog posts, I have my down moments. And when they’re down, they’re really down. But the rest of the year is mostly about the wonderful things I have the opportunity to do/make time to do/prioritize. Perhaps if I prioritized like that throughout the entire year, I would feel closer to 100% happy all the time.

But the reality of it all is that we can’t always be happy. And we are prone to losing sight of what’s really important. It seems that if the question, “what will make me happy?” is answered, then we’d be good to go. But sometimes we can’t answer that question. Sometimes we don’t know where we’re headed or what we need to do to be happy. Sometimes we might think something will make us happy, but we shove it aside, rationalizing or making excuses why we can’t do/have that thing. Or we just aren’t sure if that will truly make us happy. But how will we know if we don’t try? The key is to keep a balance and have some kind of support, or backbone. In case we want to try something out-of-this-world, then we’d have people to catch us if we fall flat on our face…or so we hope. Sometimes people give up huge parts of their life to create happiness for themselves. Under stable circumstances I wouldn’t do this, but under whimsical, fed-up, or other crazy circumstances, I just might.

I can’t answer where I’m headed or what I really want to do, as nothing is set in stone. I always like having a plan, short term and long term. But over the last year, as I’ve come up with these kinds of plans, they tend to wisp away in a matter of time. The perfectionism in me wants me to be consistent and do as I say that I want to do, a year ago. But I have to do what I need, and not worry about people looking down upon my inconsistent words and decisions. Being a back-peddler or flake are unflattering traits…  I feel like up until this point in time I’ve been as consistent as I could hold myself to my words, but my psychologist says I should try being a flake. Try showing up late.

I have so many chances to do this, but I always show up at least 10 minutes early everywhere I go. My thought is that I respect people’s time to be on time, and I would hope they’d do the same. But everyone always shows up 5 – 10 minutes late. And then I keep thinking how my standards are so rigorous that I don’t even follow the norm of society. People should be on time, but most of society isn’t. So I have to be okay with that. Perhaps I have to conform to the late trend.

A few paragraphs later, I still haven’t answered what really matters now. How do I get my bigger picture perspective back? What I’m doing is fighting my emotional side. This is usually an on-going monthly, one-week battle. So what I have to do is list what I’m appreciative of — I forgot to reflect during Thanksgiving — hopefully this will provide me some kind of forward movement.

• Cousin – strangest but coolest thing is being able to click with my cousin, who has become one of my closest friends. Someone that I know I can call up or talk to any time of day. She always seems to know what I need when I’m down…
• Steady income – to not have to worry about money.
• Volunteering – to have the opportunity to give back in the community.
• Opportunities – to do whatever I want to do (i.e. travel, vacation, etc)
• Health* – well this hasn’t been an especially good year for me and I’ve managed to stay alive…but this definitely needs more taking care of.
• Friends* – while I feel like my closest friends have been pretty distant this year, I still know they’re there. They are my backbone. Sometimes I forget how to lean on them. Sometimes I can’t and don’t know how to. Maybe this requires more practice.

I built my list. But I haven’t got any epiphanies. What matters now is my happiness. What makes me happy — all of the above. So while I have these things, why am I sulky? Why can’t I get out of this rut? Why can’t I focus and do my job?

I need social interactions but I need time for myself. I’ve got to cut back or quit eharmony. I want a relationship but I don’t. I’ve got to figure out whether this can really fit in my life right now. Rather, if I find the right person, how to fit them in my life. But I don’t have that. Yet I want that. SO maybe I should just be realistic. But I need affection. So I’ll go to great lengths for it. Maybe even dupe a few people along the way. It’s okay that I fake myself  into believing it’s real. Because it satisfies and fulfills the need.

Do animals need affection? I just want to pin my need for affection on primitive instinct.

What matters now isn’t something I can answer because I haven’t prioritized. All I can think about is things that don’t really matter, like the amount of hours I have to work in the next three weeks, or about the boy who has come back into the scene and is compelling me to heal quicker, or about the other dates that I scheduled myself to go on when I really don’t want to/have the time/nor genuine interest (shocking!). And I think it all stems from my inability to say “no,” when I need to. To determine where to draw the line before I reach my breaking point. I don’t know my capacity as well as I would like. I don’t want to run at everything that stresses me out, so I keep pushing myself further and further, until I break. How can I determine where I need to stop?

It gets tiring thinking about others. I think that’s why I am where I am. I’ve forgotten about myself again and I don’t know how to re-focus. I never want to say or do something that will hurt others so I am constantly considering how other people feel and evaluating the situation.

So how do I feel? I say that I’m taking on too much, jokingly. But is it really a joke? It’s more than I’m used to. But I can handle it. I’ve handled it for the past three months…

Fuck.

I’m just talking in circles.

I quit.