• Define concrete principles and practice them. I never defined my concrete principles. I have them in my head. Scattered. But this is something I should do now than later. Not sure how I’ve managed to skimp on this…the foundation for everything else.
• Exercise, relax and practice meditating. Wow. I hate to admit that I only when I get to my breaking point I begin to do this. What I really need is to do this on a more consistent basis so I don’t have to reach a breaking point. More hiking, more yoga, more deep breathing.
• “Focus on my relationships with others”/Quality relationships. I want to be a super-connector. But I also want to have stronger relationships with my closest friends and family. What I’ve learned in 2009 is that my friendships strengthen when I spend quality time with them. It’s not about how much time I spend with them, but what we do with the time we’ve got. I know I’ve accomplished this when I feel that after even months of not hanging out, we can still get together and pick up from where we left off. At work, I want to connect better with my clients. I want to network by building friendships.

The one goal that I am most relieved to have “accomplished” in 2009 is defining my career and where I’m headed.  I would like to get involved in social work with stronger support. The only way to do this is to go back to school for a Master’s of Social Work degree. I would like to focus on developing more efficient programs to effectively reach out to the target audience. To maximize our impact to those that need help. To ensure that volunteers have a memorable experience.

While nothing in life is set in stone, I’ve mapped out a rough plan of my 2010 year.  The first few months are much more solid than the latter part of the year…But all of these may change down the road.  What matters now is that I have some kind of peace of mind.

January – May

• Enrolled in two (maybe three) community college courses for MSW pre-requisite (Weekly: Monday’s and Wednesday’s)
• Continue mentoring two youth through Reading Partners (Weekly: Tuesday’s)
• Continue interacting with one autistic child (Weekly: Thursday’s)
• Continue singing lessons (Once or twice a month)
• Volunteer in ICO to take youth on outdoor trips (Time permitting – long term commitment)
• Work 40 hours/week and split my time between two different engagements and managers (if feasible).
• Project lead HOBA projects (St. Anthony’s, Twin Peaks, and Almost Eden Garden).

May – August

• Travel
• Work and save money
• Apply for NOLS.

August – December

• MSW program (if accepted)
• NOLS program (if accepted)
• Travel/live in a foreign country (Peru, Chile, Australia, or Europe)

Now I would normally say that I’m a pretty happy person. I mean, looking at my blog posts, I have my down moments. And when they’re down, they’re really down. But the rest of the year is mostly about the wonderful things I have the opportunity to do/make time to do/prioritize. Perhaps if I prioritized like that throughout the entire year, I would feel closer to 100% happy all the time.

But the reality of it all is that we can’t always be happy. And we are prone to losing sight of what’s really important. It seems that if the question, “what will make me happy?” is answered, then we’d be good to go. But sometimes we can’t answer that question. Sometimes we don’t know where we’re headed or what we need to do to be happy. Sometimes we might think something will make us happy, but we shove it aside, rationalizing or making excuses why we can’t do/have that thing. Or we just aren’t sure if that will truly make us happy. But how will we know if we don’t try? The key is to keep a balance and have some kind of support, or backbone. In case we want to try something out-of-this-world, then we’d have people to catch us if we fall flat on our face…or so we hope. Sometimes people give up huge parts of their life to create happiness for themselves. Under stable circumstances I wouldn’t do this, but under whimsical, fed-up, or other crazy circumstances, I just might.

I can’t answer where I’m headed or what I really want to do, as nothing is set in stone. I always like having a plan, short term and long term. But over the last year, as I’ve come up with these kinds of plans, they tend to wisp away in a matter of time. The perfectionism in me wants me to be consistent and do as I say that I want to do, a year ago. But I have to do what I need, and not worry about people looking down upon my inconsistent words and decisions. Being a back-peddler or flake are unflattering traits…  I feel like up until this point in time I’ve been as consistent as I could hold myself to my words, but my psychologist says I should try being a flake. Try showing up late.

I have so many chances to do this, but I always show up at least 10 minutes early everywhere I go. My thought is that I respect people’s time to be on time, and I would hope they’d do the same. But everyone always shows up 5 – 10 minutes late. And then I keep thinking how my standards are so rigorous that I don’t even follow the norm of society. People should be on time, but most of society isn’t. So I have to be okay with that. Perhaps I have to conform to the late trend.

A few paragraphs later, I still haven’t answered what really matters now. How do I get my bigger picture perspective back? What I’m doing is fighting my emotional side. This is usually an on-going monthly, one-week battle. So what I have to do is list what I’m appreciative of — I forgot to reflect during Thanksgiving — hopefully this will provide me some kind of forward movement.

• Cousin – strangest but coolest thing is being able to click with my cousin, who has become one of my closest friends. Someone that I know I can call up or talk to any time of day. She always seems to know what I need when I’m down…
• Steady income – to not have to worry about money.
• Volunteering – to have the opportunity to give back in the community.
• Opportunities – to do whatever I want to do (i.e. travel, vacation, etc)
• Health* – well this hasn’t been an especially good year for me and I’ve managed to stay alive…but this definitely needs more taking care of.
• Friends* – while I feel like my closest friends have been pretty distant this year, I still know they’re there. They are my backbone. Sometimes I forget how to lean on them. Sometimes I can’t and don’t know how to. Maybe this requires more practice.

I built my list. But I haven’t got any epiphanies. What matters now is my happiness. What makes me happy — all of the above. So while I have these things, why am I sulky? Why can’t I get out of this rut? Why can’t I focus and do my job?

I need social interactions but I need time for myself. I’ve got to cut back or quit eharmony. I want a relationship but I don’t. I’ve got to figure out whether this can really fit in my life right now. Rather, if I find the right person, how to fit them in my life. But I don’t have that. Yet I want that. SO maybe I should just be realistic. But I need affection. So I’ll go to great lengths for it. Maybe even dupe a few people along the way. It’s okay that I fake myself  into believing it’s real. Because it satisfies and fulfills the need.

Do animals need affection? I just want to pin my need for affection on primitive instinct.

What matters now isn’t something I can answer because I haven’t prioritized. All I can think about is things that don’t really matter, like the amount of hours I have to work in the next three weeks, or about the boy who has come back into the scene and is compelling me to heal quicker, or about the other dates that I scheduled myself to go on when I really don’t want to/have the time/nor genuine interest (shocking!). And I think it all stems from my inability to say “no,” when I need to. To determine where to draw the line before I reach my breaking point. I don’t know my capacity as well as I would like. I don’t want to run at everything that stresses me out, so I keep pushing myself further and further, until I break. How can I determine where I need to stop?

It gets tiring thinking about others. I think that’s why I am where I am. I’ve forgotten about myself again and I don’t know how to re-focus. I never want to say or do something that will hurt others so I am constantly considering how other people feel and evaluating the situation.

So how do I feel? I say that I’m taking on too much, jokingly. But is it really a joke? It’s more than I’m used to. But I can handle it. I’ve handled it for the past three months…

Fuck.

I’m just talking in circles.

I quit.

My consistent volunteering has ended or I’m taking a break until the end of December. I figured I needed to focus on getting shit done for work. But really, now I have no balance. I’m stuck with something that stresses me out and I have no outlet. What I really need is a vacation from work, not volunteering. And I haven’t exercised in awhile. Except today I went for a walk/run to clear my head. But it’s only temporary that I feel okay. Now I feel like crap again.It’s one of those weeks where I need to exercise six hours a day in order to be solid. Perhaps I should eat more fish right now. It supposedly improves your disposition. One time I ate sushi like four days straight and I was super happy. I think this is how my four eharmony dates went smoothly. I must be out of juice.

Anyway, on top of all this crap, one of the one’s I was dating awhile ago (not the strangers/eharmony), emailed me to “check in” and ask how I’m doing. A kind of half apology for not getting in touch with me sooner. So while I feel like he’s trying to make amends, I don’t really know what he wants. And I really shouldn’t care. Because I should be over it all. But honestly, I shoved it all aside when my plate got full of volunteering. How fucking untimely that my volunteer events are on break and he comes back into the picture. It’s like where I was 3 months ago. So I sucked it up and said that I was doing well and super busy (well I was for the past two months). I want to be okay with him. I don’t want to burn any bridges. I don’t want to write him off. But I’m still sore about how he didn’t consider how I felt. The lack of consideration makes me question why I want to be his “friend” anyway. It’s a “no good” kind of situation for me. It doesn’t make any sense. He invited me to a game day next weekend. I like having the option to go, but I have to disconnect myself completely, otherwise I’ll be sore when I’m there. And I don’t want to be sore.

Everything is supposed to be okay.

You would think after nine eharmony individuals and 14 dates in two months, I should be numb to anything relationship-oriented.

Not the case, sadly.

No matter how hard I try, I still get hurt.

I like to say that I’m resilient. But it takes awhile to get there. Like the one that cut me deep. The cut that never healed.

I’m still putting myself out there, ready to get hurt again.

It’s the dumbest thing to do, but for some fucked up reasoning, it’s all supposed to be worth it when you find someone that really clicks.

It’s paradoxical.

And then there’s this roommate of a friend who texts me out of the blue and says we should hang out and I should call him, you know, because he called me the last time.

For some reason, I find this request to be inane.

While I think reciprocation happens naturally or unnaturally, such as this example — there’s gotta be an etiquette for requesting someone to reciprocate. Especially if I hardly know the guy. And he’s 31. He should have his shit together. Hello!?

I wrote to my psychologist today. I pretty much ranted and raved like on this post. Then I hit the 1000 character limit. Twice. It was then that I realized what I really needed to do was just write a blog post.

I think I feel better.

Excuse the poor grammar, punctuation and shit. This pretty much got regurgitated from my brain and spewed out the way I’ve been thinking about it. I’m kind of crazy like that.

How easy it is to go from a high high to a really low low.

I’m moving at the speed of light and managing to grasp little things along the way.

I’ve had such great experiences, living each day like it’s the last –

but it’s not enough.

I thought I had a master plan, but it turns out — it was only a placeholder.

Because now I’m getting more lost in my five billion ideas than actually accomplishing any one thing.

I wish I knew one thing I 100% wanted to accomplish.

One thing that I wouldn’t have reservations about, no matter the opinions of anyone else.

–

I look at my life and all the social interactions I’ve had in the last year.

Everyday my network grows.

I’ve been making up for all the lost time of being an introverted, anti-social pessimist.

By nature, I’m a pro-active, extroverted, social optimist — which only seems to disappear when I’m burnt out.

Such as now.

Now I need my downtime.

Meditation, reflection, and being able to understand where I’m going, how I’m going to get there, and why I’m doing what I’m doing right now.

I feel like I’m moving forward, but just not sure which route is the shortest way to get where I need to be — so I’m just zigzagging and buying time until I figure it out.

But what I do know is what is most important in my life –

building relationships and developing meaningful social interactions.

My life is about exploring, learning, and growing with the people around me.

I look back on my life and remember two people that I have shared an intimate relationship with –

there’s a nostalgia for both of them.

I love them and I miss them in my life.

Even “just as friends.”

I wish they knew.

I wish they felt the same.

But there’s that ego.

That pride –

that seems to get in the way of everything.

Even though 99% of my thoughts are emotionally positive, I can’t seem to shake the 1% that actually hinders me from communicating with them.

I blame my lack of maturity…

or maybe just not enough time has gone by.

Crazy, how things can take so long to heal and pass.

How intense the first one was.

How deep the second one cut me.

I’ve moved forward though, filling everyday with something –

so that it doesn’t remind me of the relationships that I have established, the ones that probably need the most tending to.

Actually, I don’t know if that’s true.

But I spend more time talking to strangers than I do to the closest people I know, or re-acquainting with the ones from the past.

I guess I just need to figure out how much time I need to spend for those that are established, versus those that are new — and allotting myself some downtime…

I have a problem in saying, “no,” which often puts me in a sticky spot.

For instance, this last month, I’m guilty of queuing 4 different people up for four consecutive days (twice).

I can be a social butterfly, but now I’m getting irritable.

I have this thing where I feel like I’m missing out on all these opportunities if I don’t jump on them.

The solution to all my problems would be to just take a breath and slow down.

But often times it’s not even knowing how to take a breath.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

• San Ramon to Coalinga (Harris Ranch for lunch) – Harris Ranch is the quality beef that’s sold in Costco’s, apparently. Smelled the worse cows I have ever smelled! Beautiful lodge and place to stay if you’re ever in the area.
• Coalinga to Las Vegas (Outdoor World and Buffet dinner) – Outdoor World is like an indoor amusement park for all ages, but they sell stuff, and you can’t ride rides. They have a huge floor to ceiling aquarium — the most spectacular I’ve ever seen. Super clean and captivating! Our buffet dinner was excellent and fresh. Usually I dislike buffets because the food is god-awful, but this one hotel/casino connected to Outdoor World was yummy.
• Las Vegas to Springdale, Utah (Cable Mountain Lodge situated in Zion National Park) – It was a long day of driving and we arrived at Cable Mountain Lodge, which had a master bedroom, wall-unit, sleeper sofa, good-sized bathroom, full kitchen, and balcony that was quite the luxury comfort zone for the four of us.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

• About 8am my aunt and I took a morning walk through downtown Springdale. Cute and quaint for a couple of miles.
• We returned about 2 hours later and decided to take a dip in the swimming pool.
• Ate lunch at Sol Cafe and headed to the park entrance to take the shuttle to Temple of Sinawava.
• From Temple of Sinawava, we hiked the trail until we reached the River Walk. The River Walk is 2 miles roundtrip and 70% water. Some parts of the river were above waist deep!
• After the River Walk we headed down to the Emerald Pools trails (upper and lower). This tacked on about another 3 miles roundtrip with an ascent of 350ft to the Upper pools. The pools were not very amazing, but the walls of the canyon were very grandiose, just like the rest of Zion.
• After 6 hours of hiking we went to Pizza and Noodles where we finished our dinners clean! BBQ chicken pizza = enough to eat two days in a row…
• See below for a few photos of Zion National Park’s huuuuuuuge walls/rock formations:
• 

  Beautiful Zion Walls

  

  Moon in Zion

Monday, September 28, 2009

• Drove to Bryce Canyon, but had stopped off for breakfast at Thunderbird. My uncle ordered a ham and got 1lb of it! O_o
• Arrived at Bryce Canyon and had 4 hours of hiking the viewpoints and the Sunrise trail -> Queen’s trail -> Sunset Trail (320 ft elev. desc/asc at 8k ft).
• Most amazing scenery (favorite)! See below for some photos and check out my Flickr for the rest:

• 

  Hoodoos

  

  Canyon Trees

• 

  Bottom of Queen's Trail

• Later that night we ended up going back to Pizza and Noodles and then swam some laps in the pool and hopped into the jacuzzi for some relaxation!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

• 4 hr hike/5 miles Angels Landing at Zion National Park. 1,448ft elevation gain starting at approx 7kft. Second most mentally challenging thing I’ve ever done in my entire life — mostly because I’m afraid of heights. The ascent was scary and I froze a few times as there isn’t anything but a chain and the edge of the cliff. And the climb is only as wide as one person in the final ascent. Here’s where most people either turn back or continue on in the distance to the very top (you can see some people in red near a tree, bottom right corner):

Ascent

• Coming down was no problem. I guess it’s because it’s the “bigger perspective” type of thing. Although, the steepness killed my knees. I think I’m gonna have to be one of those people that carries trekking poles! I felt most accomplished afterward. My photography skills are lacking, but we basically started at the very bottom where all the green is:

Angels Landing

• Late lunch at Oscars Cafe
• Pool & Jacuzzi laps and relaxing
• Time Traveller’s Wife on the huge IMAX!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

• Drove to the Grand Canyon from Zion National Park.
• Tried hiking the Grandview trail but failed because the path is all rubble, unmaintained and steep and slippery like Angels Landing, but worse!
• Hiked 2 miles along the rim and watched the sunset.
• Had dinner at some lodge in the Grand Canyon that took forever to get our food!
• We drove through Hoover Dam at night and ended up at the Rio in Las Vegas where suites were only $55! I had a whole room to myself.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

• Had a nice buffet breakfast in Las Vegas, won $310.36 on Wheel of Fortune within 5-10 minutes (with a $20), then drove to Death Valley National Park!
• Hit up Dantes Point, the badlands, and a surreal 3 mile hike in the desert dunes.
• Desert Dunes were amazing. It’s not everyday you get to say you walk in Death Valley, let alone, climb the dunes! See my Flickr for more dune photos.
• 

  Jumping the dunes

  

  Traversing

• Watched the sunset in Death Valley and then headed off to Visalia for the night.

Friday, October 2, 2009

• Breakfast in Visalia and drove to Sequoia & Kings National Park.

• 

  Sequoia Tree

• Hiked 5 miles to hanging rock and Moro rock.
• Dinner at Fugazzi in Visalia, sipping a refreshing nectarine sangria to end our trip!
• Drove back home and stopped along the way at another Outdoor World!

Overall, the trip was most enjoyable and relaxing and got me in the hiking spirit. The only slow day was Grand Canyon because all of us didn’t get to hike as much as we wanted to. But thereafter, we made sure we worked ourselves!

Next stop — Glaciers and Yosemite!